Yesterday, I watched Pixar’s poignant and beautiful 2020 movie Soul. It is about a pianist stuck in his day job, who dreams of one day becoming a famous jazz musician. When he finally gets his big break, an accident takes away his chance. It deftly explores the question on whether the pursuing your life’s calling can strip joy away from life. It hit home, because I am someone who has a day job, craves to be a writer one day and have been struggling with the achieving my ambition. It got me introspecting: is the pursuit of my dream, sapping my appreciation of what I already have?
The question of want versus need is a fundamental building block of character creation in writing. It is the deeper layer of meaning that makes a story satisfying. For example, a character wants to be the head of his village because all his childhood others shunned him, and he thinks this will prove his worth. But eventually, it is not becoming a leader that fulfils him, but the friends he gains because of the pursuit.
And like most tools of storytelling, its power is due to it mirroring actual life. In life too, we pursue material wants like money, fame, power, sex, etc. And almost every religion and philosophy teach us that these pursuits are meaningless. After all, pursuing these desires leads to constant longing and suffering. And no matter how much we achieve, we will never content. But pursuing worldly desires is not entirely a bad thing. A person may pursue money and end up adding value to society by inventing or creating, pursue fame and end up creating art that entertains and inspires, pursue sex, and end up finding love and companionship. Somehow, the pursuit for the surface level leads to us stumbling onto a deeper fulfilment.
However, there is a dark side to this pursuit as well: obsession. When we obsess, our wants overshadow our needs. The corrupt corporation may do things that harm society in their obsession with money. There are many stories of artists stealing, manipulating, and exploiting their way to fame. A philanderer will constantly look for sex, never finding a meaningful relationship. In storytelling, a great antagonist can have the same want as the protagonist, except their pursuit of the goal has led them to become obsessed to the exclusion of all else.
Which comes back to the question: is the pursuit of becoming a full-time writer sapping joy from my life? I do not want to be a writer to be rich or famous. I want to be a writer because I love telling stories. I feel as if I have these characters in my head, causing a constant longing to have them out. I do not know why the characters are in my head, or why my body and mind do not find peace until I write about them. It is something I probably need to explore with a therapist, but it is there, and it hurts if I do not write.
And the only reason I want to make money from my books is so that I can write full time. So, the characters get out of my head faster. So, I can dedicate more time to improving my craft, polishing my work and I can start more ambitious projects than the ones I currently work on.
Does it suck the joy out of my life? Well, no and yes. The act of writing stories does not affect the rest of my life negatively. In fact, it makes my life more joyful. I have a newfound understanding and appreciation of storytelling. Research for my books helped me discover amazing stories and life lessons. Writing is a great distraction from the mundanity of adult life.
However, wanting to be a full-time writer saps the joy out of all else. In today’s competitive world, success only comes to the obsessed. You cannot achieve success with balance, only single-minded devotion gets you the things you desire. If I let, go of my obsession to be a full-time writer it may mean that I never become one. So, I spend my free time figuring out ways to market my books, obsessing over sales numbers and expenses. When I am at my job, I fantasize about a time when I would write 9 to 5. When I am hanging out with friends, I am thinking about the next day when I must finish up a draft or get a contract with a cover designer.
And that is what Soul got me thinking: I obsess too much about becoming a full-time writer. Instead, I should focus on the goal of bringing my characters to life. And that should be my desire. Whether I become a full-time writer or no, should be an output, rather than the end goal.
It reminds of my college days. Most of my college mates knew me as a reader and a quizzer. For a broke college kid, quizzing was very lucrative. Some quizzes had prize money that was more than the average Indian middle-class income. So many of my friends assumed I read to be a quizzer. However, it was vice versa: quizzing was a by-product of my love of reading. I do not quiz anymore, but I still read.
So that is what I conclude. Not obsessing about being a full-time writer could free me up. I am lucky to get good money from my day job. I have an amazing family and a group of friends I love to hang out with. And I have a side passion that is really fulfilling and spices up my day. I think I will learn to appreciate what I have rather than this obsessive pursuit of a dream that makes me unhappy.
That’s true, well said!